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Author, Transition Coach, Therapist Darlene Taylor Talks “effective co-parenting by taking the high road.”

By: David Glass

FORGING A WORKING RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR EX-SPOUSE FOR YOUR CHILD’S BENEFIT

In many cases, former spouses never become close friends, but they can develop a respectful, cooperative parenting relationship that significantly benefits their child.

The goal is not necessarily to "get along" in the traditional sense. The goal is to become effective co-parents.

Here’s what it takes:

1. Put the child at the center of every decision

A useful question is: “If my child were sitting here listening, what would I want them to hear me say?"

When parents focus on winning arguments, proving who was right, or revisiting the divorce, the child often gets caught in the middle. When parents focus on the child's emotional well-being, many conflicts become easier to navigate.

2. Separate the marriage from the parenting

The marriage ended. The parenting relationship did not. It will be ongoing.

Many co-parenting struggles happen because unresolved marital hurts keep spilling into parenting conversations. It helps to mentally divide issues into two categories: Marriage issues: betrayal, disappointment, anger, resentment; Parenting issues: school, health, discipline, activities, emotional support.

3. Accept that you may not agree on everything

Successful co-parents rarely agree 100% of the time.The question becomes: “Can I live with this parenting choice even if it's not exactly what I would do?"Children usually benefit more from parental cooperation than from one parent always getting their way.

4. Communicate like business partners

Think of your ex as a colleague on an important project: raising your child.That means:

  • Keep messages clear and factual.
  • Avoid accusations and character attacks.
  • Stay focused on the current issue.
  • Pause before responding when emotions are high.

5. Let go of the need for fairness in every interaction

This is one of the hardest parts.Many people keep score: Who paid more?Who sacrificed more?Who caused the divorce?Unfortunately, scorekeeping often keeps conflict alive. You may need to tolerate some imperfections if the overall relationship becomes healthier for your child.

6. Manage, don't deny, difficult emotions

You don't have to stop feeling hurt, angry, or disappointed.What matters is not letting those feelings drive parenting decisions.Sometimes this requires Individual counseling, hiring a co-parenting counselor, or even engaging in your own stress-management practices.

7. Signs it's working

You'll know you're making progress when:

  • Your child feels comfortable talking about both parents.
  • You can discuss child-related issues without major conflict.
  • The child no longer feels forced to take sides.
  • Important decisions get made more quickly.
  • Communication becomes less emotional and more practical.

Keep in mind that your need to communicate with your ex will continue long after the child becomes an adult. As such, you will likely be communicating with your ex for pivotal events like weddings, birthdays, college graduations, and the births of your grandchildren. Keeping appropriate ties is to the benefit of all involved, including the extended parties of both exes.